I'm going to talk about mental health now, and what I've been doing to maintain it.
For the last 5 years or so, I haven't gotten out much. COVID and events at my previous employer caused me to have a full-on mental breakdown, with panic attacks included. I was previously taking SSRIs - Escitalopram. There are side effects to the drug. My emotions and responses to events were stunted. I wasn't reacting to issues and people properly. I only stopped taking them this year - and the difference feels like I'm emerging from a cocoon. I'm able to smile and laugh more often.
Escitalopram may cause some teenagers and young adults to be agitated, irritable, or display other abnormal behaviors. It may also cause some people to have suicidal thoughts and tendencies or to become more depressed. Some people may have trouble sleeping, get upset easily, have a big increase in energy, or start to act reckless. If you or your caregiver notice any of these unwanted effects, tell your doctor right away. Let the doctor know if you or anyone in your family has bipolar disorder (manic-depressive) or has tried to commit suicide.
I'd been self medicating with weed and staying in my room every night, socializing online was the extent of my interactions. I think I needed to do that in order to regroup, listening to my body & my brain's needs. Made a ton of music playlists and watched a lot of TV. Did much thinking and discussing with my partner. I now realize, I am likely Autistic with a touch of PTSD, thanks to being undiagnosed all these years. In fact, I no longer consider myself "Deaf first, Autistic second", it's inverted: an Autistic who is hard of hearing. Thankfully, I do have some friends who pointed me to online quizzes so I could try to evaluate my mental state. I recognized certain behaviours growing up, so I believe this self-diagnosis to be correct.
During a recent trip to a bar to play some pool, I was a little surprised (and secretly pleased) to watch 2 men give each other a full on mouth kiss and a hug, and nobody batted an eye at that. Karaoke was happening at the same time, and there were a couple of lesbians hanging around that evening as well. I also learned that the house DJ was seriously crushing on a woman and her BF knew all about it. It felt good to be around people just being people, you know what I mean?
I suppose the point of this post is, I am able to go out and be sociable again, and people seem to like me. I was hiding in my room because I was telling myself that people hated & wanted nothing to do with me. I think I was assuming too much from people - and I've learned I think differently as well. Moreover, recently I walked in our local Pride parade and felt accepted; I need to engage with the community more, I need to find my tribe.
