Casio

*Picks up my Casio 91W wristwatch off the dresser*

Me (to watch): Have you been spying on me?

Casio: (silence)

Me: Didn't think so.

Skinny Puppy

I like the look on people's faces when I remind them Skinny Puppy started life as "Images In Vogue", a new wave pop band.

Apple

I was the kid in Elementary school tapping on an Apple ][; My second language was BASIC (although CoCo flavoured). I don't like where tech is these days so I'm mostly hanging out with FOSS software.

This is really a post about Apple's launch of their folding iPhone they've dubbed the "Duo". They couldn't even come up with an original name for a folding phone - Microsoft already had that with their Surface Duo. The company's soul died when Jobs did - all Tim Cook has done was the job he was hired to do - streamline their vertical hardware division and he's done exactly that. They run on their own silicon, hardware and their own software. Quality is a different matter when it comes to software, but most folks will agree their hardware is fine.

The cost of their new folding phone rounded up, is three thousand dollars Canadian. I can't justify that. I've always been a grubby, PC hardware hacking FOSS dude. I can appreciate great engineering but their hubris is disgusting.

Apple can go to hell. 

 

Love

I admit it. I love everybody.

Loss

Recently while driving there was music playing. I wasn't wearing my hearing aids so I was struggling to identify the song. After a few moments of indistinct bass playing, I had to ask "what song is this?" My partner simply replied "....woooooow", meaning her shock at my inability to name the tune I already knew. My immediate response to that was "I'm deaf, LOL" 

At my hearing test earlier this year, the Doctor informed me that I had "lost" about 20 dB, which is a curious way to phrase that, as if I had a choice? Anyway I now know what that SOUNDS like, if that makes sense. While wearing the new units corrects the loss for now, I'm trying to not take it for granted. 

Wellness

I'm going to talk about mental health now, and what I've been doing to maintain it.

For the last 5 years or so, I haven't gotten out much. COVID and events at my previous employer caused me to have a full-on mental breakdown, with panic attacks included. I was previously taking SSRIs - Escitalopram. There are side effects to the drug. My emotions and responses to events were stunted. I wasn't reacting to issues and people properly. I only stopped taking them this year - and the difference feels like I'm emerging from a cocoon. I'm able to smile and laugh more often.

 Escitalopram may cause some teenagers and young adults to be agitated, irritable, or display other abnormal behaviors. It may also cause some people to have suicidal thoughts and tendencies or to become more depressed. Some people may have trouble sleeping, get upset easily, have a big increase in energy, or start to act reckless. If you or your caregiver notice any of these unwanted effects, tell your doctor right away. Let the doctor know if you or anyone in your family has bipolar disorder (manic-depressive) or has tried to commit suicide.

I'd been self medicating with weed and staying in my room every night, socializing online was the extent of my interactions. I think I needed to do that in order to regroup, listening to my body & my brain's needs. Made a ton of music playlists and watched a lot of TV. Did much thinking and discussing with my partner. I now realize, I am likely Autistic with a touch of PTSD, thanks to being undiagnosed all these years. In fact, I no longer consider myself "Deaf first, Autistic second", it's inverted: an Autistic who is hard of hearing. Thankfully, I do have some friends who pointed me to online quizzes so I could try to evaluate my mental state. I recognized certain behaviours growing up, so I believe this self-diagnosis to be correct.

During a recent trip to a bar to play some pool, I was a little surprised (and secretly pleased) to watch 2 men give each other a full on mouth kiss and a hug, and nobody batted an eye at that. Karaoke was happening at the same time, and there were a couple of lesbians hanging around that evening as well. I also learned that the house DJ was seriously crushing on a woman and her BF knew all about it. It felt good to be around people just being people, you know what I mean?

I suppose the point of this post is, I am able to go out and be sociable again, and people seem to like me. I was hiding in my room because I was telling myself that people hated & wanted nothing to do with me. I think I was assuming too much from people - and I've learned I think differently as well. Moreover, recently I walked in our local Pride parade and felt accepted; I need to engage with the community more, I need to find my tribe.