Ever since I realized I could be autistic/on the spectrum, I've been reconciling with my memories. It seems that my brain likes to churn through past events and highlighting cringe behaviour on my part, arguments with friends, misunderstandings with strangers, the whole lot.
I attempt to console myself, by recalling that I didn't have any of this information available to me at the time; If I had, I may have been able to regulate my emotions or reactions better - but being hearing impaired was a separate thing to deal with at the same time. I used to label myself "hard of hearing" as if that was effective at explaining anything. I now identify as "Autistic", because I realize my brain has been responsible for everything.
Either way, I am constantly struggling to not feel like a loser because of all that. I have no friends, no future and boy am I tired.
